he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
