i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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