Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
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It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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