Already got asked if we're dating
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
