I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
