I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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