His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
