How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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