maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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