This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
