did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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