Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
