That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
