Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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