wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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