sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
