I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
