lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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