shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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