maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
