If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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