Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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