1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
