If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
