If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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