i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
