Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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