Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
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Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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