I'm eating all of the evidence.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
