Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
