I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
