i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
