I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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