My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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