my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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