After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
