I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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