The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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