please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
