True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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