When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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