Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
