You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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