I like to think it a success when the cops are called
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
