remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
