I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
