Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
