Umm I'm too high to move.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
