I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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