girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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