Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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