Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
