i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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