Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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