i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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