omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
