It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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