someone threw a dead crab at me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
