Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
