Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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