Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
