morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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