Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
